Strona główna Działy English Zone just a joke :)

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    Being British
    is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub drinking a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish
    kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything
    Oh and…… Only in Britain… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
    Only in Britain… do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
    Only in Britain… do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain… do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
    Only in Britain… do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
    Only in Britain… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in
    the first place.
    Only in Britain… are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION… 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v
    battery works on their tongue.
    142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from newshirts.
    58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
    31 Brits have died since 1996 by altering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
    19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
    British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
    101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
    18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
    A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth
    5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.
    and finally……… In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.



    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one
    day,he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale’ sign on it.
    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
    old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it,
    and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years."

    "Well, it’s quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
    is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects
    it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
    parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the
    house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about
    my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact,
    the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
    "No problem," he says. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
    stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
    Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
    dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
    So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
    No one says a word.
    So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
    Still, nobody says a word.
    So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
    table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.* His
    girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,and her
    mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    He looks at her mom. "She’s got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
    the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
    which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
    furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
    rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
    Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
    "All right, that’s enough, I’ll do the f…king dishes."

    Marta Klecz

    A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
    probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
    probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be
    strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


    Once upon a time,
    in a land far away,
    a beautiful, independent,
    self-assured princess
    happened upon a frog as she sat,
    contemplating ecological issues
    on the shores of an unpolluted pond
    in a verdant meadow near her castle.
    The frog hopped into the princess’ lap
    and said: Elegant Lady,
    I was once a handsome prince,
    until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
    One kiss from you, however,
    and I will turn back
    into the dapper, young prince that I am
    and then, my sweet, we can marry
    and set up housekeeping in your castle
    with my mother,
    where you can prepare my meals,
    clean my clothes, bear my children,
    and forever
    feel grateful and happy doing so.
    That night,
    as the princess dined sumptuously
    on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine
    and onion cream sauce,
    she chuckled and thought to herself:
    I don’t f****** think so.


    A wife’s excuse

    The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

    I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
    Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed, three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I said "Midnight."
    He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
    When I asked him why, he said,
    "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh. Sh*t,’ cuckooed Four more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


    There’s these three guys walking on the beach, a mexican, a white guy, and a black guy.
    They find a pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says,

    "You can wish for whatever you want."

    So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says

    "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico."
    So the genie goes poof. It’s done.

    Then he says to the black guy "What do you want?" and the black guy says,

    "I want all my black brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything."
    So the genie goes poof. And they’re all back in Africa.

    So he says to the white guy, "What’s your one wish?" And the white guy says,

    "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the mexican and black guys are out of America?"
    The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I’ll have a Coke, then."

    Marta Klecz

    Last week was my 40th birthday and I didn’t feel very well when I woke up
    that morning. I sat there at breakfast hoping my wife would
    be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present
    for me.As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy
    I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember.My
    kids came into breakfast and didn’t say a word. so when I left for the
    office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
    As I walked into my office, my secretary Linda said, "good morning,
    boss, happy birthday!" it felt good that at least someone had
    remembered.I worked until one o’clock and then Linda knocked on my door
    and said, "you know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your
    birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me."
    I said, "thanks Linda, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.
    Let’s go!" we went to lunch. but we didn’t go where we normally would
    go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. we had two
    martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the
    office, Linda said, "you know, it’s such a beautiful day… we don’t need
    to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. what do you
    have in mind?" She said, "let’s go to my apartment."
    After arriving at her apartment Linda turned to me and said, "boss,
    if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment.I’ll
    be right back." "OK." I replied, somewhat nervously.
    She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came
    out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and
    dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday"
    and I just sat there…
    on the couch…

    Marta Klecz

    My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
    other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

    We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green.

    When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big f–king red mark on his forehead.

    Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond!


    George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
    He goes to hell , where the devil is waiting for him.

    I don’t know what to do here," says the devil. "You’re on my list
    but I have no room for you . You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got 3 people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, and you take their place.
    I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.

    The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing, over and over and over,gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.
    "No!" George said. "I don’t think so.
    I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the next room.

    In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
    All he did was swing that hammer, time after time, after time, and more
    rocks appeared.
    No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder and I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

    The devil opened a third door.
    In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked spread eagle. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
    George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,Yeah, I can handle this."
    The devil smiled and said…



    "Monica, you’re free to go!"


    Three little ducks go into a Bar………………………

    "Say, what’s your name?" the bartender asked the! first duck.
    "Huey," was the reply.
    "How’s your day been, Huey?"
    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball Been in and out of puddles all day. What
    else could a duck want?" said Huey.
    "Oh. That’s nice," said the bartender.

    He turned to the second duck,
    "Hi, and what’s your name?"
    "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
    "So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
    "Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
    day myself. What else could a duck want?"

    The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
    "No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
    "My name is Puddles."

    Marta Klecz

    A oto jak anglik napisal Dziekuje – jingqueer


    SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.

    CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

    SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

    You have two cows. You shred them.

    CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

    You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

    CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

    CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.

    No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

    CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.



    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
    bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"

    WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"

    MAN: "Yes"

    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
    It’s only R1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

    MAN: "How much?"

    WOMAN: "R390,000"

    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house I wanted last year is
    back on the market. They’re asking R2,950,000" for it.

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of R2,800,000. They
    will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra R150,000 if it’s
    really a pretty good price."

    WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!"

    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
    in astonishment, mouths agape.

    He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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