Strona główna Działy English Zone just a joke :)

Wyświetlanych postów: 15 (wszystkich: 76)
  • Autor
    Wpisy
  • #56466
    Malgon
    Participant

    It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

    Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

    But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"

    The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold."

    So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

    A week later, he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

    The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it’s going to be a very cold winter."

    The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

    Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked.

    "Absolutely," the man replied. "It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

    "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.

    "The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that’s always a sure sign."

    #56491
    Malgon
    Participant

    A guy walked into the local benefit office, marched straight up to the counter and said,
    "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I’d really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter said,
    "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday and shopping trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is £200,000 a year."

    The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You’re bullshittin’ me!"

    The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

    #56493
    Marta Klecz
    Członek

    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
    Redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he
    Sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes
    and
    her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He
    reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back
    in place.
    "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the
    Theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
    deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
    come to her place for a nightcap ……… and stay for breakfast.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the
    trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
    "You know," he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
    every guy you meet?".

    "No," she replies………"

    "You just happened to catch my eye."

    #56500
    Malgon
    Participant

    After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
    doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
    on the kerb.
    "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
    seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,
    "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive
    today."

    "I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if
    something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to
    work that morning.
    "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
    wheel.
    The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
    the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
    "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
    Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
    "Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the
    cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
    radio.
    "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo
    going a hundred and five.
    "So bust him," says the Chief.
    "I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important," said the cop.
    The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
    "No, I mean really important," said the cop.
    The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
    Cop: "Bigger."
    Chief: "Governor?"
    Cop: "Bigger."
    "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
    Cop: "I think it’s God!"
    Chief: "What makes you think it’s God?"
    Cop: "He’s got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

    #56557
    HardcoR
    Participant

    A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
    Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
    "Hello, sir, how are you?"
    "Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
    "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
    "First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
    "Do you live around here?" she asked.
    "Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
    Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
    With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
    As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
    The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"

    😀 😀

    #56620
    Malgon
    Participant

    A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
    "Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

    To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
    glasses, and says,

    "F*** off, ye’ll no bring it back!"

    #56830
    Malgon
    Participant

    There is a book called Disorder in the Court.
    These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters – who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    Some of these are excellent !!

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
    A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: By whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral. 🙂

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!!

    :):):)

    #56933
    blondi
    Participant

    A blonde went to a hair dresser’s one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde’s hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard…"breath in…breath out…breath in…breath out…"!

    A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I’ve kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

    The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

    Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

    #57108
    Marta Klecz
    Członek

    DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

    40-ish – 49
    Adventurous – Slept with everyone
    Athletic – No tits
    Average looking – Ugly
    Beautiful – Pathological liar
    Contagious Smile – Does a lot of pills
    Emotionally secure – On medication
    Feminist – Fat
    Free spirit – Junkie
    Friendship first – Former very *friendly* person
    Fun – Annoying
    New Age – Body hair in the wrong places
    Open-minded – Desperate
    Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
    Passionate – Sloppy drunk
    Professional – Bitch
    Voluptuous – Very Fat
    Large frame – Hugely Fat
    Wants Soul mate – Stalker

    WOMEN’S ENGLISH:

    1. Yes = No
    2. No = Yes
    3. Maybe = No
    4. We need = I want
    5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
    6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
    7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
    8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
    9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
    10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

    MEN’S ENGLISH

    1. I am hungry = I am hungry
    2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
    3. I am tired = I am tired
    4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
    5. I love you = let’s have sex now
    6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
    7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
    8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
    9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
    10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
    11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

    #57137
    Marta Klecz
    Członek

    A to chavowaty dowcip:

    One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can’t do it because he’s her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom… What have you been doing all your life? Dad’s been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can’t marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

    Her mom replies, "Don’t worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn’t really your dad."

    #57185
    Shaman
    Członek

    Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

    He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
    The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he’ll jump?"

    Homer said, "You know, I bet he’ll jump"

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won’t."

    Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You’re on!"

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to
    his death.

    The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair’s fair. Here’s your money."
    Homer replied, "I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump."

    The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again."

    Homer took the money

    #57364
    Shaman
    Członek

    That one knocks me down 😆

    Guy comes into the library and shouts:
    – Fish and Chips please!!!
    Lady on the reception desk replies:
    – Shush!!! Could you be quiet please? – It is library!
    – Ok – says guy and whisper:
    – Fish and chips please.

    #57527
    Marta Klecz
    Członek

    Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.

    The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife,
    and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going".
    The second bloke says, "That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too.
    I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate".
    The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?
    The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes,
    big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?"
    The first bloke says, "Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours

    #58169
    Shaman
    Członek

    Just excuse my french at the end of this joke. 8)

    This guy (Joe) had only been married for two weeks, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I’ll be right back…"

    "Where are you going coochy cooh…?"asked the wife.

    "I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer." The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, his favourite Guinness etc.

    Joe doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie…but the bar….you know… the frozen glass…" He didn’t get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

    Joe, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise OK?

    "You want hors d’oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

    "But sweet honey…at the bar…you know…the swearing, the dirty words and all that…"

    "You want dirty words cutie pie?… HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"

    #58171
    Baggins
    Participant

    – Watt’s my name.
    – Yes, what’s your name?
    – My name is John Watt.
    – John what?
    – Yes, are you Jones?
    – No I’m Knott.
    – Will you tell me your name then?
    – Will Knott.
    – Why not?
    – My name is Knott.
    – Not what?
    – Not Watt, Knott.
    – What?

Wyświetlanych postów: 15 (wszystkich: 76)
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