just a joke :)

[Marta Klecz]

He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and
fart.
😛

[jackyl]

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid’s canteen. They were
eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get Tapas one more time
for lunch I’m going to jump off the top of the stadium."

Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! if I get
burritos one more time I’m going to jump off".

Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham &
Cheese sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death.

Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul’s wife was weeping. She said, "If I’d known how
really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo’s wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the skinny arseless bint wearing oversized
sun glasses and trailer trash trucker baseball cap. "I can’t understand
it,," said Posh, "David makes his own sandwiches…….."

[jackyl]

Message from iraq

[img:f09ddcd761]http://creons.co.uk/MessagefromIraq.jpg[/img:f09ddcd761]

😉

[AndrzejB]

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other:Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?
The other says:No, it doesn’t worry me, I’m a horse.

[Dana]

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home
"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office, she says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[fatamorgana]

Very goood!
Dana; why are you so quiet last time? ❓

[Dana]

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fatamorgana wrote:

Very goood!
Dana; why are you so quiet last time? ❓

Just too hot…

[KwiateK]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I’m off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to…"

"Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies."

"That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure."

"Don’t I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said.

"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh… equipment ?"

"That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?… Good Lord, she’s fainted!"

[Marta Klecz]

that’s a rather strange joke 😕

[Sandgirl]

That was fuckin awesome 😀 😀

[myduke]

Great 🙂

[Malgon]

I was a very happy person.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me …
it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock,
and couldn’t say a word. She said, "I’m going upstairs to my bedroom,
andif you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight
towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law huggedme
and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test…we
couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car…

🙂

[Malgon]

During an adult’s english class, the teacher says to
the students:
"Now, you have to make a sentence which contains the three words "green, pink and yellow" .

The Italian was the faster:
"I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun and the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."

The Spanish was next:
"I wake up in the morning. I eat a yellow banana, a green avocado and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."

Last (and lost!) was the French:
"I wake up in ze morning, I hear ze phone "green…green…", I pink up ze phone and I say "Yellow?". .

[Malgon]

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the US President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

All of the colour ran from Bush’s face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,

"Just exactly how many million are there in a brazillion ?"

🙂

[Malgon]

There were two nuns…

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL:It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL:The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL:The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn’t follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

[Autor]

Wpisy