just a joke :)

[fatemeh]

He said to me . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.

I said to him . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .. . They don’t have time

He said to me. . How ma ny men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. . We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

[fatemeh]

’Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.’

So – if you give her crap , you will get a bucket full of shit.

[fatemeh]

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull … But that’s not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it —

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh…..

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fatemeh]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves you, it won’t take half of your stuff.

[fatemeh]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but….. Something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s some-thing you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We’re getting a new kitchen."

😀

[fatemeh]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could

arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the

circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case

It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf

in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

'Polish Remover’

[fatemeh]

Andrew came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?’, demanded Andrew, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?’

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter.’

Andrew was stunned. 'You mean I’m dead !!! That can’t be, I have so much
to live for – and I haven’t said goodbye to my family. .. You’ve got
to send me back straight away.’

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.’

Andrew was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain’t so bad’, he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you’re the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?’

'It’s not so bad’, replies Andrew, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I’m about to explode.’

'You’re ovulating’, explained the rooster. 'Don’t tell me you’ve never
laid an egg before.’

'Never’, replies Andrew

'Well just relax and let it happen’.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting…

'Andrew, wake up, you drunken bastard. You’ve shit the bed!’

[fatemeh]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.’

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.’

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
[b:72a3324b3a]Yellow , Pink and Green [/b:72a3324b3a] .’

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready’

The manager said, 'Go ahead.’

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes [b:72a3324b3a]green, green[/b:72a3324b3a] and I [b:72a3324b3a]pink [/b:72a3324b3a] it up, and say,
’ [b:72a3324b3a]Yellow[/b:72a3324b3a] ’ , this is Mujibar.’

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

[Malgon]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don’t talk."

He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There’s nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything’s all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I … I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[Autor]

Wpisy