just a joke :)

[fatemeh]

A Chinese walks into a bar in New York – America
late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says….

"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied,

"It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,

"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies,

"It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same."

[fatemeh]

Childbirth @65

Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!!

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?’ I asked

'Not yet,’ She said 'I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.’

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?’

'No, not yet,’ She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?’

'No, not yet,’ replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?’

'WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.

[miles]

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

🙄

[100%polak]

A SCOTTISH gamekeeper was on the yorkshire moors when he saw a man with his hand in the water drinking from small stream.
– Hey man ye cannae drink that water its full i coo sh*t an sheeps p*sh, it’ll mak ye ill – he shouts.
"Excuse me "- says the man – I am English,could you slow down and speak properly.I dont understand a word you say.
The keeper replies :
– If you cup both hands you will get more water in them"

[fatemeh]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the Yorkshire show every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’ Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid.’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty quid and fifty quid is fifty quid.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you!
But if you say one word, it’s fifty quid.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m Impressed!’

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid.’

*******

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. & I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."

😆

[fatemeh]

A Dude walks into a bar with an alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this gator’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.

Then he’ll open his mouth. And I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval (murmur..murmur..murmur!) The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his "Peter Johnson" and related parts in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth

As the crowd gasped (GASP!!!).

After a minute, the man grabbed a Bud bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth

And the man removed his assorted parts unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, (Cheers…cheers…cheers!!!)

And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up……….

"I’ll try it just don’t hit me

so hard with the beer bottle!"

[fatemeh]

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What’s your occupation?"

"I’m a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let’s try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I’m a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won’t work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I’m an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

[fatemeh]

[b:5380ce9e87]Dealing with rude customers[/b:5380ce9e87]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can’t actually do this ! An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin’s 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS’. The attendant replied, 'I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.’ The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,
so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?’
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,’ she began – her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.’ With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F… You!’ Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.’

😆

[fatemeh]

[b:9a227df7e8]Married Life[/b:9a227df7e8]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

'[i:9a227df7e8]I found the remote[/i:9a227df7e8],’ he said.

8)

[fatemeh]

[i:b6c849f01c]6th Place [/i:b6c849f01c]

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?’ the man asked.

'Yes or no,’ she replied.

——————————————————————————–

[i:b6c849f01c]5th Place [/i:b6c849f01c]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’

——————————————————————————–

[i:b6c849f01c]
4th Place [/i:b6c849f01c]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

The assistant replied, ’ I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’

——————————————————————————–

[i:b6c849f01c]3rd Place [/i:b6c849f01c]

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

——————————————————————————–

[i:b6c849f01c]2nd Place [/i:b6c849f01c]

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ’ Low Bridge Ahead.’

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?’

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!’

——————————————————————————–

[i:b6c849f01c]SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 [/i:b6c849f01c]

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you’d have to write with your other hand’.
[i:b6c849f01c][/i:b6c849f01c]

[miles]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[fatemeh]

> I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com’ rejected.
> One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?’.
> Apparently 'my dick’ is not an acceptable answer.
> ——————————————————————
> A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you’ve all got 30
> seconds to get out!’
> The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !’
> ——————————————————————-
> why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really nice
> day
> ——————————————————————
> Whats the difference between light and hard?
> You can sleep with a light on.
> ——————————————————————-
> A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
> Chunky?’
> The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to
> him.
> 'No,’ says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.’
> ——————————————————————–
> I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to
> check her balance.
> So I pushed her over.
> ———————————————————————–
> Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7
> miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels
> and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we’ll send you
> the video, it’s hilarious….
> ———————————————————————-
> I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
> shuttlecocks.
> Bad minton.
> ———————————————————————-
> Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an
> angel’.
> The reply from his friend…… 'You’re so lucky… Mine’s still
> alive…’
> ———————————————————————–
> A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
> The librarian says; ’ No Way. Y ou won’t bring it back.’
> ———————————————————————-
> 2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over
> 10 minutes.
> 'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!’
> 'I get lots of practice’ Replied the other guy. 'My Wife’s epileptic’
>

😆

[7sisters]

An arab at airport:

– Name?
– Abdul AlRazhib.
– Sex?
– Three to five times a week.
– No, no, I mean male or female.
– Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
– Holy cow!
– Yes, cow, dog, even sheep.
– But isn’t that hostile?
– Horse style, doggy style, any style!
– Oh dear!
– No, no, deer run to fast!

[fatemeh]

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
Given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but

The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the

dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a British girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God Bless British Women

[Reddbull]

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7sisters wrote:

An arab at airport:

– Name?
– Abdul AlRazhib.
– Sex?
– Three to five times a week.
– No, no, I mean male or female.
– Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
– Holy cow!
– Yes, cow, dog, even sheep.
– But isn’t that hostile?
– Horse style, doggy style, any style!
– Oh dear!
– No, no, deer run to fast!

😆 gd1

[Autor]

Wpisy