Strona główna Działy English Zone just a joke :)

Wyświetlanych postów: 15 (wszystkich: 136)
  • Autor
    Wpisy
  • #67410
    yuuki
    Członek

    Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
    "Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I…" Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
    "Thanks be to…"
    Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
    holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.
    "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?"
    w wersji polskiej brzmi chyba zabawniej 😉

    #67614
    Baggins
    Participant

    First Time Sex

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

    He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

    #68239
    Malgon
    Participant

    The New Zoo Keeper

    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
    First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won’t be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
    Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What’s the food like here?"
    The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant,
    today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

    #68307
    Malgon
    Participant

    Subject: Love to be eight again?

    A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. "I’d love to be
    eight again" she replied.
    On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
    of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day!

    He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, The Wall of
    Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

    Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was
    reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

    Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband
    ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate.

    Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hotdog,
    popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M’s.

    What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
    exhausted.

    He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked
    "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant
    my dress size, you prat!!"

    The moral of this story:
    Even when a man is listening, he’s still going to get it wrong.
    😉

    #68308
    Malgon
    Participant

    A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said
    "I want to be a movie star." *
    *Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
    credentials.
    The agent asked, "What’s your name?"
    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
    *The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into *
    Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, * I
    will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will *
    NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m
    telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
    represent you."
    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said * and
    he left the agent’s office.

    FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
    Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is *
    awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter *
    enclosed…

    "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
    * actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.
    Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told
    me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
    Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
    decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never
    have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your advice.

    Sincerely ,
    Dick van Dyke

    #69795
    SAMIRAHINI
    Członek

    heard or overheard???
    Kilka powiedzonek kolegi z pracy 🙂
    Pez sez:
    u should do constant overtime and live under the desk,then u wouldn’t have to pay any mortgage-call it desk life.
    My car looks nearly as clean as u.
    Howarth’s loaded cos Howarth’s a pimp….baby pimp (Howarth’s called Baby Johnes)
    (About work place)that 4.50 quid shirt u’re wearing
    from George (shop) is too good for this place.
    It’s better to be sorry than to be safe.
    It’s better to be lean than mean.
    So what are u getting me for your birthday?
    We were driving so quick you could see the wind.
    Are u doing any other knobs apart from door knobs?
    U look a lot more refreshed,it’s amazing what a fry up can do!!
    A dog in a bag is a doggy bag!
    U’ve got the body for a bargain.

    ……and many,many pearls more

    😆 😆 😆

    #69796
    jackyl
    Participant

    so.. r u doin any other? ;))

    #69798
    SAMIRAHINI
    Członek

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    jackyl wrote:

    so.. r u doin any other? ;))

    hope to collect much more:)
    every day gives that opportunity if u keep your ears open:)

    #69803
    jackyl
    Participant

    wish u luck on this exciting journey 🙂

    #70366
    yuuki
    Członek

    scottish joke:
    3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irish guy says "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity". Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "AlkaZoom – POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. "The Genie explains "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

    #70781
    7sisters
    Participant

    Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous.

    Her mother reassured her, 'Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good
    man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.
    Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’

    So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his
    shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran down stairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’

    'Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, 'all good men have hairy
    chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’

    So, uppa she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

    'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’

    'Don’t worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony is a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.’

    So, uppa she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
    When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

    'Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!’

    Her mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta…’

    #70916
    Marta Klecz
    Członek

    Two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

    Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

    As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane Is in good hands.

    In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die."

    #71467
    cheeky girl
    Participant

    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

    Smart man + smart woman = romance

    Smart man + dumb woman = affair

    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit

    Smart boss + dumb employee = production

    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

    SHOPPING MATH

    A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    HAPPINESS

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You’re next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

    SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

    #71805
    dafunkonline
    Participant
    #71831
    7sisters
    Participant

    Two Irish girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.

    Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves. After they’d finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then threw them away.

    The other woman, realising she was wearing some very expensive knickers, didn’t want to throw hers away and so looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby wreath.

    So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.

    The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they’re up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!"

    The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you think that’s bad, my wife came home with a card stuck to her arse that read – "All the members of the Rathdown Fire Brigade will never forget you".

Wyświetlanych postów: 15 (wszystkich: 136)
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